To Life Or Not To Life. That Is The Wrong Question.
Hey! Hello! Good Morning Cupcake!
Today is the First of March! How weird. Can you believe how fast time is flying? I am getting dizzy just thinking about it. I have literally lost time in my days. You know, I've been giving it a shot and drinking a couple of ounces of Pickle Juice. It may seem strange at first. But it has some health benefits. Also, I really like the taste of vinegar, and dill.
You are all probably wondering what I do for a living. Well, to be honest. I am an ItWorks! Distributor. And if you ever need something from me. Don't be afraid to hit me up. Haha. Jokes aside. I am a distributor, I love their products. I am also a housekeeper. I now have three days out of my week dedicated to that. (Except for the last three tuesdays. Its been rough. Tuesdays just don't seem to be my day). I am trying to find little jobs here and there to keep myself busy. Putting my resume out there and trying to find something that is for me. Or atleast something to help with my bills!
I am really thankful that I have a really supportive family. Always there when I need them, no matter how estranged that I may get. Or how ungrateful I always seem to appear. But believe me, I appreciate everything they do for me. I appreciate the help, it really means a lot to me. I also really appreciate all the help that friends and extended family has given me. Thank you. I love you all, and I really appreciate you all.
So you may think I have it pretty lax. And I suppose I do. But I do take pride in everything that I do. I may lose interest sometimes, but thats only if I'm told it isn't going to work out how I think it will. I do try to live by the "haters gunna hate" way of living, but when you hear it enough it starts to weigh you down.
Being sad is hard, you always want to give up and be a potato in a sea of blankets and pillows. Always aching for that body you are so used to, to latch onto and cuddle them from behind. Feeling the warmth emanate off of them. The feel of their hair on your face. The gold flecks in their sea of beautiful pale green eyes when they turn around to look at you with that sleepy gaze as the sun hits them just perfectly. The disgruntled noise and a sleepy mumble of wanting to sleep a little longer. You can't help but notice all the little details in their face and try to memorize them because you have to leave for work, or they have to leave for work. Missing them is easy. Admitting that is hard.
But enough of obsessing over my happy little memory. That isn't what this blog is about.
The point of my last paragraph was missing a certain someone when life gets you down. And cuddling that someone who made it all feel better when you were lost in the darkness of your mind. To just pretend in that small moment that nothing else mattered and that everything was going to be okay as long as you stayed in that blanket with them.
It is very easy to want to quit life and pretend you are somewhere else. To be anywhere but alone in your blankets.
I wanted to give up. But I just have to look into Babys eyes. She needs me, and that gave me the drive to keep going. To not stop living my life and to do something rather than laying here all day, every day for weeks. She understood that I felt like I lost my piece of heaven on earth. She always made sure to be there to cuddle me and lay in the empty spot on the bed at nap time. She followed me around and practically smothered me in the first few days. I was overwhelmed by her affection that it almost drove me mad.
But you know what? She knew I needed her, like she needed me. And that was enough to get me out of bed every morning to let her out to pee and to fill her bowl with her food. To make sure I top up her water jug. To feed myself and to give her a small piece of what I was having. To bath so she can get her face washed too. To do laundry so that she can get clean blankets too.
My fur baby pushed me to get better. Even though we are both sad still.
When you are sad, you always catch yourself asking "But what else is there?"
Well, let me tell you. There is a lot of things out there that can give someone the drive to get out of bed when they are sad. Or hitting their lows. Mine just happened to be my dog, and the knowledge of knowing tomorrow will be better than the day before. Even though it may seem like it isn't. You were doing better than the day before.
And no matter how much you wish for anything to happen over night. It just won't happen. You need to put time and effort into it. I am still struggling with over coming that overwhelming feeling of loneliness when I wake up or going to bed. But I believe over time, I will get used to it all over again. As long as I have my dog. The support of my friends and family. I can do this. I will get there. It just takes time.
Just like Fairy Godmother in Shrek 2 said "Happiness is just a tear drop away."
So every time my tears seem to trickle, I just remember that it will all get better after this. This is just a speed bump.
Today is the First of March! How weird. Can you believe how fast time is flying? I am getting dizzy just thinking about it. I have literally lost time in my days. You know, I've been giving it a shot and drinking a couple of ounces of Pickle Juice. It may seem strange at first. But it has some health benefits. Also, I really like the taste of vinegar, and dill.
You are all probably wondering what I do for a living. Well, to be honest. I am an ItWorks! Distributor. And if you ever need something from me. Don't be afraid to hit me up. Haha. Jokes aside. I am a distributor, I love their products. I am also a housekeeper. I now have three days out of my week dedicated to that. (Except for the last three tuesdays. Its been rough. Tuesdays just don't seem to be my day). I am trying to find little jobs here and there to keep myself busy. Putting my resume out there and trying to find something that is for me. Or atleast something to help with my bills!
I am really thankful that I have a really supportive family. Always there when I need them, no matter how estranged that I may get. Or how ungrateful I always seem to appear. But believe me, I appreciate everything they do for me. I appreciate the help, it really means a lot to me. I also really appreciate all the help that friends and extended family has given me. Thank you. I love you all, and I really appreciate you all.
So you may think I have it pretty lax. And I suppose I do. But I do take pride in everything that I do. I may lose interest sometimes, but thats only if I'm told it isn't going to work out how I think it will. I do try to live by the "haters gunna hate" way of living, but when you hear it enough it starts to weigh you down.
Being sad is hard, you always want to give up and be a potato in a sea of blankets and pillows. Always aching for that body you are so used to, to latch onto and cuddle them from behind. Feeling the warmth emanate off of them. The feel of their hair on your face. The gold flecks in their sea of beautiful pale green eyes when they turn around to look at you with that sleepy gaze as the sun hits them just perfectly. The disgruntled noise and a sleepy mumble of wanting to sleep a little longer. You can't help but notice all the little details in their face and try to memorize them because you have to leave for work, or they have to leave for work. Missing them is easy. Admitting that is hard.
But enough of obsessing over my happy little memory. That isn't what this blog is about.
The point of my last paragraph was missing a certain someone when life gets you down. And cuddling that someone who made it all feel better when you were lost in the darkness of your mind. To just pretend in that small moment that nothing else mattered and that everything was going to be okay as long as you stayed in that blanket with them.
It is very easy to want to quit life and pretend you are somewhere else. To be anywhere but alone in your blankets.
I wanted to give up. But I just have to look into Babys eyes. She needs me, and that gave me the drive to keep going. To not stop living my life and to do something rather than laying here all day, every day for weeks. She understood that I felt like I lost my piece of heaven on earth. She always made sure to be there to cuddle me and lay in the empty spot on the bed at nap time. She followed me around and practically smothered me in the first few days. I was overwhelmed by her affection that it almost drove me mad.
But you know what? She knew I needed her, like she needed me. And that was enough to get me out of bed every morning to let her out to pee and to fill her bowl with her food. To make sure I top up her water jug. To feed myself and to give her a small piece of what I was having. To bath so she can get her face washed too. To do laundry so that she can get clean blankets too.
My fur baby pushed me to get better. Even though we are both sad still.
When you are sad, you always catch yourself asking "But what else is there?"
Well, let me tell you. There is a lot of things out there that can give someone the drive to get out of bed when they are sad. Or hitting their lows. Mine just happened to be my dog, and the knowledge of knowing tomorrow will be better than the day before. Even though it may seem like it isn't. You were doing better than the day before.
And no matter how much you wish for anything to happen over night. It just won't happen. You need to put time and effort into it. I am still struggling with over coming that overwhelming feeling of loneliness when I wake up or going to bed. But I believe over time, I will get used to it all over again. As long as I have my dog. The support of my friends and family. I can do this. I will get there. It just takes time.
Just like Fairy Godmother in Shrek 2 said "Happiness is just a tear drop away."
So every time my tears seem to trickle, I just remember that it will all get better after this. This is just a speed bump.